Planting Seeds Tonight

We have to view darkness with greater respect, and learn to appreciate not only its capacity for destruction, but it's capacity for vitality, growth, and transformation - David Tracey

Planting seeds. I have never done this before, but tonight I decided to make a little vision board for the transformation, vitality, and growth that I want to witness. I am in a suitable place in my life to grow an entire new garden. I am also mindful to take into great consideration the parts of me that I have tried to suppress in the past. I am giving my shadows the respect that they deserve. An example: vanity - or my personal stigma and struggle with the idea of vanity. On a core level, I don't believe there's anything wrong with desiring certain materialistic things, or dipping your feet into a certain kind of indulgence i.e fashion, expensive dining, and so forth - I certainly am very accepting of it in other people, and even view it was an expression of oneself - why not myself. I find that I hold myself up to some unrealistic standard, and am hard on myself for certain types of behavior that I barely observe in others. I am not holier than thou, and must stray away from those tendencies and notions within myself. 

"Our civilization is courting disaster. By refusing to accept that the human psyche is complex and paradoxical, we have no way of reconciling the opposing forces that gather momentum in our psychic interior. By clinging to ideals of goodness, by assuming we can remain innocent, we have no way of integrating the dark and ambivalent." - David Tracey

All of what I am reading right now from a book that Lionda gifted me with in Bali is speaking loud and clear, and I sense that the timing is immaculate. These concepts that David Tracey touches on is the foundation upon which I built this blog - the idea that we are not one sided, the idea that we are fragmented and dualistic. In the yoga community [which is clearly something that rattles me, as I frequently return to this subject] we seem to repress the dark side of us, the beast, the monster, the shadows, the artist, whatever you may call it, and hyper-focus on the "light." However, I genuinely believe that if we neglect the "dark" parts of ourselves, we will be destroyed by outbursts of irrationality and unreason. We need to understand the forces that arise in ourselves. That is why I continue to challenge myself to be sincere and open, not just about my triumphs but also about my trials and tribulations. I am whole, but my whole is mosaicked, diverse. And I want to create a framework where all parts of me are invited, explored, understood, transformed, elevated -  never suppressed, ignored, or misguided. 

"Our time requires a fundamental rebirth of the dark side as cosmic principle and not merely as a nuisance to be expunged." -  David Tracey

[...] the most important act for the future is to become aware of our darkness, to lower our moral sights, to resist the desire to be perfect, to recognize our complexity, to become critical of conventional morality, and to search for new balance that includes our dark side as well as the light." - David Tracey

New Release with Yoga Today! :) Exciting stuff!

Post by Yoga Today.

I cry.

My experiences have felt so fragile this last month that I have retreated into myself. It's become increasingly difficult to externalize where I am on my path, as sometimes I am not sure I have a clue. Thus, the silence. Oh, the silence has been good to me... I'd rather be silent than dishonest, or insincere, I think.

On my plane to Perth, Australia, a little girl wailed the entire flight. It was anything but a cry. It was as if this two years old girl was mourning death; loud, piercing, aching screams. At times I became frightened, and closed my eyes and reminded myself to breathe deeply. Her wails made it seem like the metal we were in was descending, like she might know something.

I don't think I have ever heard a child cry like this - and certainly not for three hours straight. Her throat must have been raw, and I know crying can be exhausting. While it became familiar and less alarming, I began to observe the sounds with a sense of curiosity. What compels a child to cry like this? I don't think she was in physical pain. Her parents didn't seem stressed, just really really really amazingly patient and calm. Maybe she was processing something, maybe it was an expression, maybe her ears were popping and the pressure in her head was unfamiliar.

I started to think about crying. I have so much ego around crying. I've been working hard on getting past that for years, y-e-a-r-s, because my intellectual side understands that holding back my emotions is not healthy for my spiritual anatomy. However, it's so, so, so freaking challenging. Whether we recognize the unfortunate affect it has on us, our society favours the concept of strength vs softness. We confuse courage with picking up arms, and cowardice with laying them down.

However, that is a learned concept. It's a construct of external conditioning. And because babies and young children have yet to grasp this concept, there is no shame around it. They wail, they sob, they release. And since I believe that at birth we are closer to our elevated selves, I wonder if there is something to this. I wonder if we, as adults, could also benefit from wailing, sobbing, crying - more often. I think about all the times I swallow my tears, or my hurt, or my pain, and I wonder now ... where in my body did you go pain, hurt, and un-cried tears?What organ, what part of me now carries this burden?

Turning 27, on the road.

Intellectually, I understood that a sense of loss was inevitable, but never could I have predicted the ache and longing that I sometimes feel for home and/or the souls that define home. The irony is that one of (the many) reasons I ventured off was because a tiny seed in me never quite felt AT home. With each sunrise, I became increasingly reluctant to grow roots, and thrive, period. Envision the molasses, the thickness of the stagnancy.

To not wilt, I had to leave.

Yes, here I am, putting the overbearingly private facet of my cosmic personality to the side to say: I royally MISS; sometimes there is such an overwhelming sense of longing that the ache almost seems unbearable – especially when I feel all too far removed from everything and everyone. The lessons I am learning are real, raw, and ruthless - one can certainly come at me with a million cliché sayings; knock yourself out in the comments, if you fancy. I’ve already considered and meditated on them all, and am slowly treading from an understanding-self to a knowing-self.

Needless to say, deep inside I was somewhat rattled of the idea of being away from everyone, as I turned, you know, old-er. [ha-ha] I feared I would unwillingly become engulfed by loneliness. But there you all were.

There you all were!

I certainly don’t favor crying in public, but there I was, at some random Japanese restaurant in Bali, face flooded with salty tears, as all of you showered me with love. In all sincerity, I was an emotional storm, a hot mess - thundering with sadness that all of you were not with me, yet simultaneously lighting up and exploding with pure happiness to be able to see all of your bright faces. I was beyond surprised, and it was the BEST surprise. Best surprise I think my heart has ever felt.

I am so grateful for every single one of you. Mami Rudite, Dadi Jim, Tommy, Farfar Tom and Farmor Karen, Vecteev Alfons un Vecmamma, David, Emmie, Shanti, Frankie, Michael, Jess, Jessica, Woo, Shahrazad, Kelly, Kamille, Rasmus, Simon, Natalie, Courtney, Kristiine, and Tanja. 

Thank you for making, yes, m.a.k.i.n.g my life, for loving me, and accepting my love.Lionda, not even Kings have what we have. It is precious. It is irreplaceable, I am grateful and I vow to nurture it with utmost care for the rest of my life. Paldies par vakardienu, un katru dienu, dupsis fruktis.

Bali, Indonesia

Photo Credit: Lionda Liepina

"I was in the pool today, by myself, with not a soul around - head throbbing, hung over because I think last night I had a beer for every worry... and I was playing with this plumeria that had fallen into the water ... Playing, twirling it around, dizzy, falling under its spell ... And for a moment, I was there, truly there, magnificently present, in a pool, in Bali, Indonesia, living out the last days of being 26 - my biggest worries being uncertainty and finances, which are two things most people, everywhere, generically, feel burdened with... Even somewhere at a sterile grocery store behind the Orange Curtain. And in that moment I remembered how fucking okay, how fucking beautiful everything is. But those moments, like waves, come and go. That capacity to see past the bullshit, and see the truth; life as it is, without the veils, is there. But I don't want to just go there from time to time, I want to practice and one day, be IN that space every waking, every breathing, pulsing moment of my life."

An excerpt from an e-mail I sent to a friend recently. I think it sums up my experience, and my yoga practice, in this moment in life, rather adequately. And that's that. Cheers.

Fireproof

The National - Fireproof (Unofficial Video) from David Dean Burkhart on Vimeo.